Life has drastically changed for this former rodeo queen in the past six weeks.
I went from seeing my horse once every few weeks, to seeing him once every few days. We moved him to a local barn with a covered arena (COVERED ARENA!) and I’ve been loving it.
I’ve journaled about it. Wrote a few blog post drafts…
But I haven’t got the guts to post them yet. And here’s why:
I have so much on my plate, so many people waiting on things from me, that every moment with my horse, I feel guilty.
I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to do something that isn’t for my clients or for my day job.
When I’ve posted pictures to Facebook of my horse, I’ve gotten subtle barbs about how much time I spend with my horse… (though I don’t think people can/would even know anything about that. I don’t spend nearly enough time with him.)
I’m also guilty of thinking these same thoughts of other people. Jealously, I look at others who do things like “take vacations” … and I wonder how they can justify something like this.
How have I become this way? I used to take time for myself. I used to treasure putting work aside and doing the things I love.
Lately, with my side business booming, I can never really put work aside at all. There is always so much waiting for me to do.
My dear friend, Caitlin, reminds me again and again that I cannot do good work unless I invest in myself. And now, I know that the “investing in myself” time is doing no good if I’m feeling guilty and counting up my to-do list the whole time.
I have to let go. We all have to let go. We have to take one minute at a time. We have to give ourselves grace. I have to give myself grace.
That said, I think I’ll start blogging again. About my horse. About the time I take to keep sane.
I promise to keep a more open mind and open heart about those folks I see taking time for themselves. In reality, I admire you folks. 🙂